That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize