Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
