I wish I only lived at night.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
