You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
