11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
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