I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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