i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize