maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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