I'm lost and stupid without you.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
