i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
