If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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