his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize