A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
