my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
