dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
