I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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