it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
