I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
