i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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