i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
