god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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