My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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