Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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