Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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