you're like a bully in the Christmas story
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize