this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
