yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
