My hand turned me down
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
