is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Sober January is a disaster.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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