i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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