theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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