just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
