i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
