I puked a lego.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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