Yo dont text me then not text me
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
