I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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