My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im holly from the hills drunk
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
