Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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