Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
