Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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