her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
