Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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