We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
