No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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