so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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