Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
