You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
