I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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