did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
