Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
