I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
