there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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