The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
