So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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