I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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