I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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