On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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