life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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