I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
