Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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