guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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