She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
