My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
