So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
