i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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