i may or may not be watching the land before time
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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