Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
