if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
