I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
