i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My boob is missing a layer of skin
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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